Life & Death

Death asked Life: "Why does everyone love you and hate me"

Life Replied: "Because I am a beautiful Lie and you are a painful Truth"

Memoirs of a Hindu Girl in Pakistan (from Dawn.Com)

A very lovely and heartrending article from an unlikely (from my Indian coloured perspective sadly...) though definitely a refreshing source - Faiza Mirza on Dawn.Com - regarding the plight of a Hindu Woman in Pakistan. You can find this article and her other pieces here: http://dawn.com/author/faizamirza/



Memoirs of a Hindu Girl:

I grew up in fear – every face around me depicted nothing but fear. I am sure that the first expression on my parent’s face on my birth as a female child born to Hindu parents living in Kandhkot would have been that of fear also. Why did I bring so much fear into the lives of my parents? I grew up always wondering what is it about me that continues to terrify. But I always drew a blank. How naïve I was.

Before I knew it, the time to attend school had arrived. School was comfortable; however, there were times when I felt like an outsider, finding it difficult to gel in with rest of the majority. Perhaps the snide remarks and incidents of discrimination led me to believe that I am not one of ‘them’. Of those incidents, I still vividly remember no one eating with me and refusing to sip from the cup I drank from.

Home wasn’t very different either. My mother asked questions about my life at school and otherwise looking for answers that would somehow relinquish her from the unknown fear. Afraid to disappoint her, I realised very early in my life that my mother could not be my confidant.

Growing up was not easy.

And then it happened. The fears of my mother and many Hindu mothers like her materialised. I went out to one of the largest markets of Kandhkot and was abducted by a man I knew very well. He was none other than the guard who was responsible for safeguarding our temples.

Knowing his face well prompted me to sit with him in his car without protest, however, instead of taking me to my house he turned to an alley that I wasn’t too familiar with. Scared and unsure about what lay ahead I started screaming just to hear my abductor scream louder and threaten me. Astonished and unable to comprehend the gravity of the situation I sat still until it was time to step out of the car to a small house which looked abandoned.

We entered the house to find a large room devoid of any furniture and other bearings except for a carpet that covered the floor. I was made to sit down on the floor.

Uncertain about what was going to happen to me; my mind raced with thoughts of the recent news of the abductions and forced conversions of Hindu girls. I sat there shuddering. The realisation struck me and I could see my entire life in front of me in kaleidoscope. My mother’s fears, my father’s warnings, the alienation I felt, the yearning to be a part of the circle of friends, the search for a confidant, a friend.

My worst fears were reaffirmed when a man wearing a turban entered the room to teach me about a religion which I grew up hearing about, however, felt no urge to practise or embrace. He kept sermonising me for hours but was unable to get me to listen to him, realising that he left asking me to ponder about the true religion.

His departure did not ignite any fire for eternal glory inside me but only made me wonder why did my parents not relocate to another country when they had the chance to do so? Why did they continue to live in fear waiting for the inevitable to happen instead of making a move to safer pastures? And, what made me think that I am any different from countless girls who are forced to change their faith?

Each passing day appeared to be more and more surreal. The ritual of preaching continued for days, I lost track. Eventually, when preaching did not do the trick, my abductor threatened me.

The routine ranging from threats to persuasion and from glorifying the paradise to the wrath of God for non-believers only made me wonder: Do we not all pray to the same God — a God who is manifested in nature, colours, happiness and love? Why would he punish me for being a Hindu?

Somewhere along this relentless persuasion, came that horrifying threat of harming my family – I gave in. My approval followed a small ceremony in which I was forced to embrace Islam and later married off to the man who will always be remembered as the ‘messiah’ who for saved me from the unknown territory of sin and infidelity I was treading on.

After the ceremony, instead of receiving blessings for a happy and prosperous life ahead, I was immediately escorted to a local court where a Muslim magistrate declared my conversion and marriage in accordance with the law.

The news of my conversion and marriage to a Muslim man spread like wildfire. I dreaded the moment of meeting my parents. I never wanted to see pain and agony on their faces let alone be the reason for all their grief. Sure enough, one look at my mother made me yearn for my own death.

I wanted to tell her that I love her and that her safety was all I had in mind when I converted. I wanted to tell my father to keep my sisters safe. I wanted to tell my brothers to leave the country whilst they still could. I wanted to say much more but their silent pain and suffering made me wish if only I wasn’t born a girl, if only I wasn’t born in Pakistan, if only I had the right to be myself and practise my faith without being herded into a religion that I failed to comprehend, if only I could make them all understand that there is just one God for all, if only I could give us all an identity that we rightly deserve.

Looking at all the faces that once seemed familiar; I wondered: who am I?

I am one but share the pain of many. I am Rachna Kumari, Rinkle Kumari, Manisha Kumari and the many more Hindu girls who will be forced to convert in Pakistan. I am the fear of their families and the agony that they undergo. I am the misery of those girls who die a little every day for the injustices done to them.

I am a minority living in an intolerant society.

Oscar Wilde & "V"!

Oscar Wilde - "Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the Truth." 


In case you haven't seen this pic before, find and watch the movie - V for Vendetta. Its a must!

Retrenchment - Do's & Dont's using a Sample Transcript...

Scenario 1

Narrator: Now we will see the interaction between the HR manager Mr. Ritesh Sharan and the worker Mr. Shivshankar.

HR: Shiv!

Worker: Ji…

HR: Sit… Sit

Worker: The company has actually decided ki, all this manual process has to be done away with. Aaj kal market mein, iska koi value nahin hai. So the company has said that we will do total automation.

Worker: Hamara Kaam saab??

HR: See… I tried my level best to save all your jobs. But I was able to save only 100 jobs. 50 jobs are now going to be redundant.

Worker: Aap bol rahe ho ki hamara kaam chale jayegi?

HR: Listen to me first. Unfortunately looking at your old age, you are going to be one of the persons who have to go.

Worker: Ji… Mera beti hai ji… Marriage karvana hai uska.

HR: Company policy hai bhai. Hum kuch nahin kar saktha.

Worker: Yeh umar mein mein kya karoon.

HR: Thoda paisa dhenge thumko. Thu kuch kar le na us se. Problem kya hai usme.

Worker: Log mujhe kya kahenge…

HR: Mein kya karoon. Try kiya meine… 100 naukri bacha liya meine.

Worker: Ji... Mein apka pair pakadke pooch raha hoon

HR: Mera pair pakadke kya phaidha hai. Kuch kar nahin sakthe abhi. Abhi mujhe upar se thumare pass bol ne keliye bola, meine bol dhiya katham baath.

Worker: Hum bhooka bhaitenge ji... Yeh kya kar rahe ho aap.

Narrator: This scenario shows how retrenchment should not be done.

Scenario 2

HR: Hello Mr. Shiv

Worker: Hello Sir

HR: How are you?

Worker: Haan. I am fine.

HR: Please sit down.

Worker: No, its ok sir

HR: No no. I request you.

HR: See… I have something bad to tell you. I don’t have words to say this, but…. The company has finally decided, and you must have also known about this ki…. We are finally getting automated machinery into the company. And because of that, currently only 100 people are required.

Worker: Sir…

HR: Listen, Listen… I tried to save the jobs of everybody, but I have to do something about this as the machinery is also very costly. But I will make sure that no hurt comes to you.

Worker: Sir… Meri beti hai sir, shadi karne keliye. Mein kya karoon sir. Hamare pet mein kyun lath mar rahe ho sir aap. Mera family kya karega sir. Mein bhuka bhaitoon kya?

HR: Please sit down. I am not saying that this is not going to hurt you. But, jitna thumhe bura lag raha hai utna mujhe bhi bura lag raha hai. But I will promise you this much that the organization will do everything in its power to keep you well forever. Mathlab financially hum thume secure kar dhenge. Relax… Relax.

Worker: Mera family mar jayega. Kahan Jayenge hum. Ky Karenge. Humare baare mein soj lijeye sir.

HR: I will finally tell you now... see what we have decided that we are going to do is that, we will make sure that financially aap secure ho jayenge. There is not going to be a severance of relationship between you and us. You might not come to work, but you are always going to be there. You are a part of the organization. We will make sure that you get a good severance package. Agar aap kahin aur kaam karma chaahthe the… then we can give a few references for you. You can actually go to these places and if they have a requirement they will definitely take you. Because they know that you are a capable worker. We will not shirk our responsibility. We will definitely give you a reference, agar aap kaam karma chaahthe the tho. If you want to start something new, we will give you a short term loan so that if you want to start a shop or if you want to go back to your village and do farming. You must understand that the organization is doing everything in its power to help you. You also have to show strength now and fight it out. We will be there with you side by side. Aap shop start kar sakthe hai, farming kar sakthe hai ya kisi aur company mein jaake kaam kar sakthe hai and we will make sure that financial problems will not be there with a good severance package. Aapko training bhi dhe dhethein.

Worker: I can understand that, the organization also does not need so many people now. Some people have to go. Lekin humko madhath chahiye. Hum akele isko face nahin kar paenge.

HR: Mein aapko pura madhath karoonga. Aapka bread winner ki status bhi rahega. Aap apna dhukhan shuru kijiye mein aapko help karoonga. Aap apna sar ooncha kar ke ji sakthe hai.

Worker: Theek hai sir. Theek hai.

HR: You will always be in our hearts. We know that you have worked very long and very hard in this organization. And we will make sure that you always get the benefits of the organization.

Worker: Thank you sir.

Narrator: This scenario shows how retrenchment might be done.

Love, Pain, Nostalgia, Memories, Healing, Song

You came in to my life,
Like a breath of fresh air,
Changing every moment ,every day,
Into a memory,to last a lifetime.

You smiled with me, you cried with me,
Your were forever there when I needed that support,
It was a whole new world.
A world that was my favourite place.

But as time would have had it,
Destiny showed us different paths,
I chose to go on,
You stood behind at the place,
Where our paths moved away,
I never dared to look back,
Knew wasn’t strong enough,
Till the day you moved on to.

Today as we have taken our separate paths,
I look back,
With a smile on my lips and tears in my eyes,
At that very place.
I see you,I see me,
And I see memories and happy times,
That gave a lot,
However short they may be,
They will last a lifetime.

A lifetime where every prayer said,
Every smile shared,every nostalgic moment ,
Would never be complete without you...

The Happiness Mask

I found this image (copyright @ Frank Renlie) when i was searching for a suitable image for my blog. Just one of those recent days when i was quite moody and didn't know what i was really searching for. After an hour i was about to leave the hunt for another day when i came upon this picture and it immediately struck me that it was exactly what i was searching for. If you have been to my movie blog (which is incidentally not quite updated regularly and that is an understatement!!) there is a similar but not quite the same mask picture. The difference between that and this is the presence of 2 masks in that picture which does not reflect ME...that is just a picture showing expressions reflecting theatrics in the sense that it is exaggerated and are exact opposites in their reflection of emotions.

What i see in this Frank Renlie masterpiece (I do not have a great fascination for paintings except for very few which are really fascinating) is not just a man holding a mask. If you look carefully there are a number of things which will strike you. Firstly, the happiness of the mask is not an exact opposite of the emotions of the man. True he is sad but not in the traditional sense of grieving. Here the grieving has passed. For the lack of a better word, there is a deadness. Its almost like his eyes are saying 'I am feeling helpless, I do not know what to do at all, I just do not know the next step, I just want to be away from it all, I am desperate for happiness but have absolutely no clue as to how to find it and I am sick of everything. Secondly the mask itself can be interpreted in three ways. Is the man trying to remove his mask and show what he is going through or is he putting it on while showing us the glimpse of his depth of sadness or is he undecided.

My thinking is he had the mask on himself for a very long time but removed it when he could not take the unhappiness anymore. Unfortunately, destiny is cruel and removing the mask does not mean happiness returns. And now he is unsure since even the sadness has become unbearable. He is holding it while gazing into the distance looking for a divine intervention or solution but he knows that the time is near when either the mask will have to be put on back again if he doesn't find happiness to smile from within. And you might ask, why does he have to put on his mask?...Well it is because you have to start smiling for your world around you. Your family, your kids, your closest friends. It is also slightly more peaceful that ways. You run away from the questions and the sympathies and the advices.

Next time look around you in this world and try too see this facade on people. And there is a good chance that you will find it amongst your friends and family and god forbid...You. They will not come across as clinically depressive, in fact they can come across as extraordinarily happy or cheery. Just that they are not so in reality. Its a Happiness Mask that has been put up to shield themselves.

Next time Empathize with them...

While writing this piece, i was wondering about whether it is me holding the mask in the picture (Mask). The truth is I don't know...

Defining Pain

To God...Hope you are listening :'-)

I have over the past couple of years heard a lot of inspirational stories and seen a lot of rich presentations/ videos on motivation. More often than not, they have a message of keeping positive and telling us that failures are part and parcel of life, without which success cannot be achieved and infact success cannot be appreciated without it. I agree, wholeheartedly. Just that there is a small problem.

What do you about time? Till when are you able to cope with your situation if it is continuously going downhill. When do you say enough is enough and you cannot take it anymore. Furthermore, what do you do after that? What are the choices a person can make.

There is a theory where a lot of people mention about happiness and sadness having their own specific time lines and both definitely coming to an end after some time. Not sure about this though. Just take my case. Everyday my depression keeps becoming deeper. Everyday i think the corner is just about to be taken and i will be free again but it does not. I have been thinking on those lines for the last 2 years. That is an awful lot of time to be depressed :) and i am just tired, plain tired. Now how do i decide that its time to throw in the towel or not? Till when should i continue.

And hey, before you make a judgment call about me, let me assure you that i have tried...a lot! Tried to be happy and not getting bogged down. I have always got up and tried to push myself harder. Try and make myself better and try and adapt to situations around me. Sure, i have been grumpy sometimes but that has never stopped me from giving myself a good chance of trying to be happy. Oh and yes, i try to be happy every moment or at least most moments. A lot of times it is false and most possibly meant for other friends to make them happy but didnt someone say that your own happiness lies in the happiness of others? Hmmm...again an unanswerable question!

Another thing; i am religious or at least believe in god and used to pray, till a couple of months back when i realised that it is all so futile. The gods are not really going to help you. I believe in their existence completely but am not sure as to their work profile; as in what are they supposed to do if they cannot even guide you, forget about helping you directly. All i had asked was for some guidance to tell me the path that i should take but umhnnnn; sorry guys but God really didnt answer and the situation is not that great. So again; what should i do? Interesting question that!

I know some people will come and tell you that there is so much misery in this world and yours is nothing compared to that. Agreed that i am not physically handicapped, agreed that i not mired in poverty, agreed that i don't have abusive parents and definitely agree that i have had many more opportunities compared to so many others around me. However, pain is very very relative. Its almost like a child aspiring for a chocolate while a grown up man aspiring for a luxury car or an old man aspiring for comfortable retirement. Aspirations and pain are very very relative. A person might be poor but extremely happy. The opposite is quite true too. And i am sure you understand what i am saying. Everyone would have gone through some form of pain and sadness in their life. The question is, for how long?

You might ask why i am not thankful for all that i have got?...Well i am, i definitely am for having had some good times in my life but i can't just live on those memories for life, right? particularly when the painful ones are so near and recent. What are the next steps when everything that you do gets a spanner in the works. Every step that you take encounters a roadblock.

I consider my aspirations to be a happy and cozy dream. About finding life and soul within you and enjoying every living moment to its fullest. Why is it a crime to dream about this. Ok, now coming to the question of if i am tired with all of this, what are my options. Do i decide to end my life. Is it not an option of the losers or is it that god has to maintain a percentage of suicides every year and that some people will come to their end irrespective of how much they tried to resurrect themselves. Is there any other option; maybe just let go and let life decide for you while you do nothing and wait for some god to act. But isn't a purposeless life meaningless. Will you not become a dead man walking. Or you may decide to continue fighting but then again till when...or is there no end?

Just a final word. I recently heard a quote 'Keep swinging away' when you encounter troubles. Its supposedly a very famous quote by some baseball player of the 60's. I have one question, what happens when after swinging a lot of times, your arms are really tired. Do you drop your bat?!

Any suggestions! :-) (A very wry smile)

The Mask

At a certain point of time in the past, this blog used to be anonymous. This was like my personal diary where my sorrow would be buried, stored for posterity...memories that i want to banish from my head but am unable to do so. It helped me to sort the mental files when i was writing, probably because i could reflect somewhat and try and understand the plethora of thoughts and emotions that go through my head at any given point of time.

I am unable to share sorrow with anyone. Its very difficult for me to really tell what i am feeling when i am down in the dumps. The overriding story is easily told, but the emotions are not there. I hate it when people try to give me company during these times. Loneliness is the only option for me. It might work or might not but at least gives me the time to conjure the emotions that i feel will be acceptable to others or at least not make them uncomfortable.

The problem with me is that i am overly optimistic coupled with the fact that i feel that if i keep fighting - even for a lost cause - i might some how will be able to win the battle. I have realised that a lot of times my suffering has intensified because of the same reasons but this is one philosophy that i don't want to change. If a situation is bad, i will always hope that things are going to be good. If i am not able to achieve something in the first try, i will keep on trying till i am really exhausted. If a person tells me no, i will try to find out the reasons for saying so and try and change the situation and or change myself to achieve a favourable response, if the person is really important to me.

These days i am trying to come out into the open with my emotions and not act but be myself. I have been accused of - in jest probably - of either being the court jester or someone who cares a damn. Most of the occasions, i was actually happy with that outcome because it was me the actor, who wanted everyone to believe that and everyone did. I will not go into the right or wrong of this but at least it made some people smile at my antics. This article in the blog is a reflection of that change. I am not sure this is the right decision but at least it is a decision. However, let me make this absolutely clear. My emotions are my own and no one has any right on even a single part of it except the ones closest to me. The only people who have seen a reflection of my true side are those that i have been vulnerable to, the people that mean a lot to me and the people that i love - even though they might not reciprocate.

If i am removing my mask, its because i want to do it - for the time being.