At a certain point of time in the past, this blog used to be anonymous. This was like my personal diary where my sorrow would be buried, stored for posterity...memories that i want to banish from my head but am unable to do so. It helped me to sort the mental files when i was writing, probably because i could reflect somewhat and try and understand the plethora of thoughts and emotions that go through my head at any given point of time.
I am unable to share sorrow with anyone. Its very difficult for me to really tell what i am feeling when i am down in the dumps. The overriding story is easily told, but the emotions are not there. I hate it when people try to give me company during these times. Loneliness is the only option for me. It might work or might not but at least gives me the time to conjure the emotions that i feel will be acceptable to others or at least not make them uncomfortable.
The problem with me is that i am overly optimistic coupled with the fact that i feel that if i keep fighting - even for a lost cause - i might some how will be able to win the battle. I have realised that a lot of times my suffering has intensified because of the same reasons but this is one philosophy that i don't want to change. If a situation is bad, i will always hope that things are going to be good. If i am not able to achieve something in the first try, i will keep on trying till i am really exhausted. If a person tells me no, i will try to find out the reasons for saying so and try and change the situation and or change myself to achieve a favourable response, if the person is really important to me.
These days i am trying to come out into the open with my emotions and not act but be myself. I have been accused of - in jest probably - of either being the court jester or someone who cares a damn. Most of the occasions, i was actually happy with that outcome because it was me the actor, who wanted everyone to believe that and everyone did. I will not go into the right or wrong of this but at least it made some people smile at my antics. This article in the blog is a reflection of that change. I am not sure this is the right decision but at least it is a decision. However, let me make this absolutely clear. My emotions are my own and no one has any right on even a single part of it except the ones closest to me. The only people who have seen a reflection of my true side are those that i have been vulnerable to, the people that mean a lot to me and the people that i love - even though they might not reciprocate.
If i am removing my mask, its because i want to do it - for the time being.
I am unable to share sorrow with anyone. Its very difficult for me to really tell what i am feeling when i am down in the dumps. The overriding story is easily told, but the emotions are not there. I hate it when people try to give me company during these times. Loneliness is the only option for me. It might work or might not but at least gives me the time to conjure the emotions that i feel will be acceptable to others or at least not make them uncomfortable.
The problem with me is that i am overly optimistic coupled with the fact that i feel that if i keep fighting - even for a lost cause - i might some how will be able to win the battle. I have realised that a lot of times my suffering has intensified because of the same reasons but this is one philosophy that i don't want to change. If a situation is bad, i will always hope that things are going to be good. If i am not able to achieve something in the first try, i will keep on trying till i am really exhausted. If a person tells me no, i will try to find out the reasons for saying so and try and change the situation and or change myself to achieve a favourable response, if the person is really important to me.
These days i am trying to come out into the open with my emotions and not act but be myself. I have been accused of - in jest probably - of either being the court jester or someone who cares a damn. Most of the occasions, i was actually happy with that outcome because it was me the actor, who wanted everyone to believe that and everyone did. I will not go into the right or wrong of this but at least it made some people smile at my antics. This article in the blog is a reflection of that change. I am not sure this is the right decision but at least it is a decision. However, let me make this absolutely clear. My emotions are my own and no one has any right on even a single part of it except the ones closest to me. The only people who have seen a reflection of my true side are those that i have been vulnerable to, the people that mean a lot to me and the people that i love - even though they might not reciprocate.
If i am removing my mask, its because i want to do it - for the time being.
Posts
1 comment:
All i can say is I understand how you feel :)
Cheers
Post a Comment