Disorder in Court

Extremely funny forward sent across!!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need adifferent attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Slumdog Millionaire...It Rocks!!

It has to be about a Love Story....It just has to be!!

In one of the finest films made this year...shucks...till date...at least on Indian Soil, the love remains the undercurrent for everything. And why not?...if you take out the romance between the lead protagonists Jamal Malik and Latika, you lose the soul.

In an utterly impalusible movie, it still makes you wonder just a little bit...can this really happen, and this is the biggest tribute to the director since everything else is absolutely real. Both sides of India with its pukish slums, brothels, pimps, beggars one one hand and the glitzy call centres, Reality shows, Hiranandani and Mercedes Cars on the other are very 'in your face' real!!

The story is just an elongation of the Movie Name: Slumdog Millioniare in Hindi Slang - Basti/ Jhopad/ 'gandagi' ka Kutta who becomes a crorepati. A dog from the slums who is one the verge of becoming a millioniare and then just before the last question is asked all hell breaks loose. Since the guy is a slumdog, he should not know the answer to questions which even rich people do not know but he does....the situations that he has been in his life till date which makes him know the answer is what forms the crux of the story.

The Q&A moves between the good and the bad but keeping in kind that it has been made for international, particularly British audiences, it makes sense. What makes the Q&A session brillaint is Anil Kapoor, who in a short but career defining role is as slimy and stinking as the pot of shit in which the protagonist falls.

The situations are very real and what makes them more so are the young actors and their interaction. Watch the scene in which the blind child tells Jamal that bearded baldy on a $100 note is Benjamin Franklin. The subtlety of being blind is brought forward so well that its spellbinding. Or take the scene of a vey young Jamal dancing infront of his beloved Latika. The children keep the movie really alive. Infact they are so good that they overshadow the main cast members Dev Patel, Frieda Pinto and also Irrfan who are also quite impressive in their meaty roles.

This movie at some levels reminded me of 'City of God'. There are actually a lot of similarities in their subtext if you observe carefully though they are quite different in their overall positioning.

Finally the 3 things that make the movie so great are, The music of AR Rahman - this guy is a genious and mark my words, one day they are going to call him the greatest musician ever. Some of the tracks are exceptional and without words they convey so much meaning. Then there is the Direction of Danny Boyle - Hats off sir for making a movie in India which is better than what our bollywood has been dishing out for the last 50 years. Some of the scenes are extremely gritty without ever being distasteful. They are just 'Real'. And finally what makes this film truly memorable is INDIA - yes, it presents a myriad of colours and sequences and events our country that have become part of our life. It is what defines India today....sometimes to the extent that we have started ignoring some of these grusome facts about ourselves. If in some way - and i think it will - this movie awakens us to the darker underbelly of India and lets some reality seep into our consiousness, it will deserve the Oscar that is awaiting it right now!!!

The Best Movie Quote/ Dialogue of 2008

"Do I really look like a man with a plan, Harvey? I don't have a plan. The mob has plans, the cops have plans. You know what I am, Harvey? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I caught one. I just *do* things. I'm a wrench in the gears. I *hate* plans. Yours, theirs, everyone's. Maroni has plans. Gordon has plans. Schemers trying to control their worlds. I am not a schemer. I show schemers how pathetic their attempts to control things really are. So when I say that what happened to you and your girlfriend wasn't personal, you know I'm telling the truth. It's a schemer who put you where you are. You were a schemer. You had plans. Look where it got you. I just did what I do best-I took your plan and turned it on itself. Look what I have done to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple bullets. Nobody panics when the expected people get killed. Nobody panics when things go according to plan, even if the plans are horrifying. If I tell the press that tomorrow a gangbanger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will get blown up, nobody panics. But when I say one little old mayor will die, everyone loses their minds! Introduce a little anarchy, you upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I am an agent of chaos. And you know the thing about chaos, Harvey? It's fair.

” The Joker in "The Dark Knight"

Financial Crisis - Dont worry, Greed will Prevail

Global financial meltdown - Three words that in all likelihood conjures up the most frightening monster the world has known. This monster is taking away all the things that we cherish, directly or indirectly. First there is a pay freeze, then there is a pay cut and if that was not enough there goes our job. With that goes our 'discretionary' spending capacity, our willingness to buy things that makes our miserable lives slightly bearable, our self esteem. The factories close down, industries vanish and social unrest begins. In the midst of all this, nations along with their policy makers are left scratching their heads. Question: Our goose is cooked...right?.....Wrong!!!

I have a simple solution to this. Forget about it...Dont worry, cause this is not going to last long.

Am i mad. Oh yes,well i am...but i am also sane enough to believe that these so called experts who are telling you that the financial world - thus in every sense the real world - has come to an end are lying or to put it more subtly, not telling you the whole truth . Hopefully being a layman, i will try to tell you exactly why i believe that this crisis is infact going to turn around very quickly.

Let me start with simple process flow. I go to work everyday and earn a salary every month. Some part of this salary goes to buy necessary and other products, some goes into savings like Cash, equity (shares, bonds, MF's), Commodities etc, mostly to a bank. Now the place where i am working makes a product and sells it to the consumer to generate revenue and hopefully profits. Again this money is split into buying important raw materials etc, paying bonuses & dividends and saving it in a bank. The bank gets this money and pays interest to the consumer or the corporate who has deposited the money. If my company is doing well, it takes a lon from the bank and carries out expansion plans - increase manpower, get more machines, etc - and from its increased profit pays off the debt. Since the bank needs to make money too, it charges an interest higher than what it has paid for the money and this becomes the profit (after overheads). This way the cycle keeps moving.

Now for some economics. Demand and Supply. Classical theory of economics states that if the demand goes up - the supply remaining constant - prices go up too. This is true for Oil, most precious metals, etc. For other goods, if the prices are higher, then the consumer might shift to substitutes so organizations in an effort to make more profit do not increase the prices. Instead, they increase their capacity to produce goods at almost the same rate as the demand moves up. This creates new expansion plans, new jobs, and hence again the above mentioned cycle continues.

Now to make the explanation clearer lets figure some connections:

• If the companies/ individuals do not earn money they have less to save
• If the banks get less money, they give out less money and hence make less money
• If there is less money for people to spend, they either buy cheaper substitutes or not buy at all
• If the consumer does not buy, the companies do not make money and expansions go for a toss
• If expansions do not happen/ new companies do not come up, the industry slows down
• If the industry slows down, the governments have less taxes to collect and lesser budgets
• If budgets are lesser, social spending decreases
• If social spending decreases, the unrest begins

Now the impact for the stakeholders:

• Since banks are making losses/ 'not enough' profit, shareholders get angry & CEO has to go
• Since other organizations are making losses/ 'not enough' profit, shareholders get angry & CEO has to go
• Above corollary is that shareholders are also losing money
• Since countries are not making money and hence people are suffering, governments will lose their votebanks
• Infact due to the extreme lowering of oil prices, terrorists are also not going to have much money since their masters purse strings might just be running on empty
• and hence due to all the above except one....the individual loses

Hopefully, you get my drift. This is just not going to happen. Rich individuals/ corporations/ governments can take the fallout for sometime but sooner or later they will realise that there is just no other way to come out of this but to make profits. Also since the world today is extremely connected (take the example of terrorists - US does not buy oil due to recession and terrorists have lesser money for spreading hate) and mind you this is an extremely delicate connection, making profits is not easy unless the entire global machinery is greased. This grease comes from banking organizations and consumers who will spend the money thay they generate. And banks will spend once they are aware that if they dont, they are the ones who lose the most. They own the money and they need to pay the interest.

I can tell you this and much more in complicated jargon but it all boils down to this. Yes, for a short time (my bet is 6-12 months) things are going to be nasty. But this is just a blip. This can never be the great depression part 2 since the economies are not isolated and global linkages will play its own hand. We have probably seen the worst and things will - hopefully - seem better very very soon. It was greed that got us here and it will be Greed that will get us out of here...

Is Baar Nahin - Prasoon Joshi

Lyricist Prasoon Joshi has written this poem after the Mumbai terror attacks. Says the ad guru and film lyricist, "I believe it should reach as many people as possible because it is our collective pain and voice".

Is baar nahin

Is baar jab woh choti si bachchi mere paas apni kharonch le kar aayegi
Main usey phoo phoo kar nahin behlaoonga
Panapney doonga uski tees ko
Is baar nahin

Is baar jab main chehron par dard likha dekhoonga
Nahin gaoonga geet peeda bhula dene wale
Dard ko risney doonga,utarney doonga andar gehrey
Is baar nahin

Is baar main na marham lagaoonga
Na hi uthaoonga rui ke phahey
Aur na hi kahoonga ki tum aankein band karlo,gardan udhar kar lo main dawa lagata hoon
Dekhney doonga sabko hum sabko khuley nangey ghaav
Is baar nahin

Is baar jab uljhaney dekhoonga,chatpatahat dekhoonga
Nahin daudoonga uljhee door lapetney
Uljhaney doonga jab tak ulajh sake
Is baar nahin

Is baar karm ka hawala de kar nahin uthaoonga auzaar
Nahin karoonga phir se ek nayee shuruaat
Nahin banoonga misaal ek karmyogi ki
Nahin aaney doonga zindagi ko aasani se patri par
Utarney doonga usey keechad main,tedhey medhey raston pe
Nahin sookhney doonga deewaron par laga khoon
Halka nahin padney doonga uska rang
Is baar nahin banney doonga usey itna laachaar
Ki paan ki peek aur khoon ka fark hi khatm ho jaye
Is baar nahin

Is baar ghawon ko dekhna hai
Gaur se
Thoda lambe wakt tak
Kuch faisley
Aur uskey baad hausley
Kahin toh shuruat karni hi hogi
Is baar yahi tay kiya hai

... Prasoon Joshi

Numbing Images, Numbed Thoughts

This is what my friend Sayan Bandyopadhyay had to say about the Mumbai Terror attacks 26-29th November 2008. It was so aptly put that i decided to post it on this blog. It reflects my anger, my helplessness as much as i am aware it reflects the anger and helplessness of everyone in India, particularly those of the people of Mumbai. Hope someone in the government reads these and other articles and takes action that we so desperately crave for...

" I thought of writing this some time ago, when I was watching the news channels which were showing the images that have numbed our senses for the last couple of days, and when there was a heated debate raging on what went wrong, and why things came to this turn that a few young boys rode across the open seas, landed in our midst and caused havoc with our lives. But in hindsight I’m happy I didn’t write it then, as I was in such a state with anger and helplessness that nothing sensible would have come out of my mind.

Honestly the events over the last few days have made a deep dent into our psyche, whether you guys agree or not. My roomie summed it up best when he said that the menace suddenly felt so close to us, for the first time perhaps we felt weak, vulnerable, helpless. What does one do in a time like this? Keep watching the news channels? Switch on some music/entertainment channel in the false hope that we are pushing the issue to the back of our minds, and life is normal? Pray for the safety of our loved ones, and wish that the entire operation ends quickly and all the perpetrators are caught/ killed? Or wish that they had taken a couple of cabinet ministers hostage instead, as if that would help wake up our ever-sleeping and thoroughly incompetent bunch of jokers we call our politicians?

Well, I guess we will tide this one over too, owing to our now-over-abused and over-stretched “resilience”, and normal life will resume again. Just as it has every time over the last 15 years that we have been bombed, shot at or targeted! But guys, seriously, when we talk of our so-called ‘spirit’, what choice do we have than to get back with our lives and pretend everything is normal? I mean it’s a question of survival after all, right? To me, its not spirit, its just our resignation to the fact that since we have a useless bureaucracy and even more useless politico, its no use expecting anything from them, better go back to work and forget everything. Sometimes I feel its this “resilience” that’s harmful for our own good, we resign to everything, and we just don’t demand enough/protest enough, which can at least make our great politicians take some notice. I guess that’s what being ruled by foreigners (and this goes back much before the British era) for centuries has done to us!

Spare a thought for the amazing rulers we have for us- a home minister who’s more in the news for changing his bandhgalas between meetings than for framing forward-looking policies (I heard a rumor there is an Indian attire fashion show being planned somewhere in his name!), a railway minister who has more scams in his name & more cows in his shed than the years he has spent on this earth, a prime minister who, notwithstanding the fact that he is an earnest man, sounds as threatening for the enemies as Venkatesh Prasad bowling a bouncer at a batsman, and most of all, a president who has decided to cut short her very important trip to far east (which was to my guess more of an effort in the direction of her improving her culinary skills in the sea-food category) more because another former superstar V.P. Singh has passed away (no disrespect intended at a person who has died, but you get the comparison!). Well, with this and more as a list to look up, its anyone’s guess that our enemies won’t really be quivering in their boots or even expecting an aggressive diplomatic real-politik stance from us!

Well, I don’t mean to sound entirely pessimistic, so lets dwell on some positives as well. And nothing can be more heartening for an Indian than the way our security forces, the NSG & the MARCOS have risked their lives in saving ours, and in the process we have lost some of our bravest citizens. My heartfelt salute goes out to all of them, for inspite of being poorly paid & shabbily treated, they have stood up for us when we needed them the most, and shown us what true bravery is all about, and who our true heroes are! God bless, gentlemen!

What now? Well, some points that keep coming up after every such incident so much so that they have become a tad rhetorical, though that doesn’t take anything away from their importance. First, reforms in the way our security forces are treated and improvement & more investment in their equipments and modernization of the same, on a war-footing. Creation of a central body on terror that will, most importantly, be an autonomous body and be answerable only to one person at the top(this looks a bit difficult, though!). Drastic and immediate improvements in the pay scales of our security forces, I mean this is so elementary that it’s a shame to even mention it! Reaching out to every community in our country through regular programmes, making sure every complaining voice is heard, and no situation is created wherein few people can take advantage of the feelings of injustice/hatred people may foster for each other.

Last but not the least, more involvement of our generation in politics, & what I mean by that is at least making sure each one of us votes. I know you will say they are all the same, but at least it has to be made clear to the politicians that the educated class cares in how the country is run, and if its not done properly, it will ask questions.

Let this be the turning point in how we deal with terror, and how we look at taking our country ahead, and I would end it on a positive note, quoting Morgan Freeman from Shawshank Redemption: “Hope is a good thing, and no good thing ever dies!” "

Tribute to the martyrs

NDTV's tribute to the martyrs in the NSG, Police and Army who gave their life to protect us...

The background track is from the film Aamir...."Ek lau kyun bujhi mere Maula"

Please click on this Link: Tribute to the martyrs